Parents' nightmare

Earlier this evening, when I went to pick up Lynn at her school around 6.30pm (school over at 6.20pm), I overheard a mother talking to the 2 teachers in-charge there telling them her child has gone missing. According to her, her child usually will wait for her inside the school but today her child was not there. She borrowed the hand phone from one of the teacher to call her husband to come over help to find the child.

Honestly I'm getting worry upon hearing that. It was just 10minutes after school hours and there were still about 40% students left waiting to be picked up. Usually there are 2 teachers staying around to make sure all children have gone home. And most of the time class teachers from Standard one will be around too but they won't stay till very late. They would be gone when most of the students from their class have gone home.

From very first day of school, I have been telling Lynn that never ever follow anyone going home. She must stay inside the school compound and wait for me to come. She can follow me only and not any other person. If raining days I may be late depending on the traffic but no matter how late she still have to wait for me inside the school. And never follow any other person, regardless she knows them or not. If I can't pick her up, I will tell her in advance who will pick her up and only follow that person and no one else. I told Lynn about the child missing incident I overheard just now and reminded her again that she must follow no one except me. Earlier I also have taught her how to make phone calls using public phone in case she needs to reach me. I gave her some coins for making phone calls and told her only call when necessary. There were twice that I reached her school very late, almost 7pm. First time I was stuck in an unexpected traffic jam and the other time I was very sick and overslept after taking the medicine despite I had set the alarm. Both times she was sitting in front of the guard house waiting for me, together with few other students and one teacher. While I was surprised there were still students around but I was glad she's not alone and not the last one.

I know I should not trust the guards fully, but I still would like to have some faith with the school. The school has a very strict rules allowing parents and even students entering the school. All parents entering the school must register with the security guard and then report to the school office before proceeding to whatever matters they need to be inside the school. Even students entering the school much earlier than normal school hours also have to register with the security guard. There are total about 4 security guards if not mistaken, all are local Chinese. I do not see any foreign worker which I'm glad of. But all guards are in their 50s and above. And I have been seeing them guarding the school since at least 4-5 years back. The school is just next to the shop area where we visit frequently so we always pass by the school entrance.

With the increase of social crime rate at the parking lot of shopping complex, nowadays I dare not bring Lynn and Hao to shopping malls without one other adult accompanying us. If I really need to go, I will get hb to come along or I go alone. One good thing is me and hb do not like window shopping and we do not have the habit going to the malls every weekend. So we only go when necessary. The only public area I dare bring Lynn and Hao with me alone is during weekdays picking up Lynn after school. Normally I park near the shops and walk about 100m across the shop lots to school to avoid stuck at the long queue in front of the school. We have been going to the few eatery shops there every week for the past 8 years so I'm quite comfortable look after the kids by myself there. But I won't eat at the shop with the kids alone. If hb is not with us I would just buy back home. Ever since the kids can walk by themselves, me and hb have insisted the kids must hold our hand when going out. And we are still keeping this rule. Both Lynn and Hao are not afraid of strangers and thus I always paranoid bring them out. Those of you that have met Lynn and Hao before will know what I mean. We have been telling them and from time to time reminding them not to talk to strangers. And I always make sure they are within my vicinity. Since we are not staying with the parents and hb always come home very late from work, I have no choice but to bring them with me whenever I go. I limit my grocery shopping to only few places and since I always go there we are quite familiar with the shop people there. I usually only buy what I need which I already know beforehand and thus my shopping usually is very fast. Once a while, I will go supermarket alone and get the things like butter spread, cheese, muesli etc that are not available from the normal grocery store.

The kids have to learn that this world is not safe. While I try my very best to protect them, they have to learn to protect themselves too. As for the mother i saw from the school earlier, I really hope that she can manage to find her child. Just hope maybe the child has the urgent to go to the toilet right before the mother was there.

One Year Later

One year ago, I quit working full time. Since then on and off I took some freelance job on bookkeeping for some side income. I was not intended to quit working at all but due to hb's super long hours in his new job, I could not really go back to IT line. My initial plan was working towards flexi hours in year 2013 when Lynn enters primary 1. So quit working before 2013 was something unplanned.

Few months back, I stumbled upon a chance on a full time employment. Well it's not something in my plan, but seeing the opportunity to learn I thought maybe I can give it a try. The pay is much lower as I'll be a junior staff there. But as compared to my current unemployed status, it's still some small income to us. Better than nothing. :)

After so many years, now I'm back to a junior staff. Hehe. Do I mind? Not at all as long as I'm given opportunity to learn. I has a very interesting first day at work. As all seniors were out for a training, left only one junior staff for my department. There's another new staff together with me who started on the same day. So three of us had a very relaxing day at work. :)

I met the others in the following Monday. Throughout my more than 10 years of working experience, this is my 3rd full time job. A totally new environment for me. I has the smallest work station as compared to previous 2 jobs. Without compartment too so no privacy at all. No compartment is fine, but i really wish to have a larger table! I have to work on many files and documents at the same time, with the small table i really have to keep whatever I'm not referring away. The office is of old building and with all the cabinets it's not too spacious. I really salute my other colleagues who can work with stacks of files and papers on their equally small table!

And after so many years of smart casual wearing jeans to work, now I have to wear back office wear. Time to dig out those long sleeves and skirts from my wardrobe! Those are my working attire before getting married. Glad that I still can fit most of them, both tops and bottoms. And no one happier than my gal who loves to see her mommy wearing skirt. :)

New job starts at earlier time too. With the terrible traffic condition nowadays in the morning, I have to wake up earlier and leave the house before hb too. My body still adjusting to the new time to wake up. Besides getting myself ready, I have to get ready the breakfast for hb and kids too, which I have been doing all this while. So far I still manage to bake something at night before going to bed for our breakfast the following day. And just a week ago a friend passed us a bread maker that is left at the corner of his kitchen. It's a great help to me. Now we can have fresh homemade bread in the morning. Bye bye Gardenia and Massimo. :)

The colleagues in my department are all very nice people. I'm glad about that. I just hope I can cope and pick up as much as I can while I still can manage. It's good to be back to work again. :)

Another new year

Few more days we are going to say bye bye to Rabbit year and welcoming the year of Dragon. Rabbit year is a very challenging year for me. Big decision, major changes. There are lots of stress. And pains. But it also allow me to see who are true friends who are willing to give their helping hands and those who only know how to talk and instead of ease our stress, they are giving more pressure to us. One lesson learn for me is, no matter how protective and careful we are, we can't avoid not getting hurt by people around us. Unless everyone become nobody to us. But this is not always the case. Thus instead of getting protective, I should learn how to deal with the pain.

Rabbit year is also a year I have to deal with lots of "disagreement". In which, dealing all these things are stressful actually. Lots of time, people only see the surface but not knowing actually what's happening behind. Especially those people that like to make their own assumptions without asking the people involved for facts. Whatever happen is not my choice and the end results may look ugly, but I think it's the best decision and the right thing to do based on the options available and the situation at that time. I can't control if people want to talk bad about me. I can't possible please everyone. And I feel grateful for those who stand by us and share our thoughts.

In the year of Rabbit, I've becoming more active in baking. Main reason that I started baking is to have more varieties of food for the kids, as well as to save money. Cost of living is getting more and more expensive. It's always cheaper to bake ourselves except that baking do take some time depends what you want to bake. So in the past few months, I have been slowing down on reading books, as some of the time are spent on baking.

Despite those challenging events, the best thing that happen to me in the year of Rabbit is, the unconditional supports from my parents. They will not question our decision, just offer themselves to us without asking anything in return. They are hoping by giving us helping hand we get to spend quality time with our kids. I'm really feel blessed to have such understanding parents. Thus whenever possible, I'll bake something for them, to show my appreciation.

While Rabbit year is not a good year for me, and lots of people are saying the coming Dragon year is not a very good year too. I just wish things are not getting worse for me. And I wish all of us are having good health, no unexpected trips to hospital.

Happy Chinese New Year!
Gong Xi Fa Cai!
May all of you have a prosperous and better year ahead.

Random and Updates

Wow I have not been writing for more than a month! And this post has been sitting in the Draft for a month too! So what have I been doing all these while?

First of all my own schedule is changing. I have to find how I can write or blog with the new schedule. I also have been thinking a lot nowadays, especially on the people side. I met some new people; I also get to know some friends better. Due to some past experience, I actually don't trust people easily. I thought by doing this I can keep myself protected, not getting hurt by any friends. However now I realize that, no matter how careful I am, no matter how I protect myself, I will still get hurt as long as I treat them as friend because they meant something to me. I'm a very soft hearted person. I can do things for others if they request me to do it even though it may not be something that I would like to do, as long as it is within my capability. Because I find it's difficult to say no. But not when doing others a favor made myself not happy. It's kind of stupid to do something for others and at the end it does not make me happy right? Unfortunately some people are selfish enough that they don't care what you feel, they only concern on their own benefits. Due to this, I was feeling down for more than a month. I was shock, angry, sad, hurt, and disappointed.

During this one month, I also witness some unpleasant things happen due to some childish adult. I find it hard to believe some adults, even already becoming a parent, will whine and blame others when met with difficulties and challenges. Some people get jealous easily when they think others are doing better than them. Instead of working hard, they started to attack or condemn others. But talking without actions will not make them become better. People can see themselves who is a leader and who is not. Time will tell.

I also met some nice people lately. Friendly, helpful and willing to share. So life is not that bad after all. :) I also have started do some baking for the family. So far I have tried making muffin, cream puff and my latest challenge is focaccia bread. Just want to add more varieties to our breakfast menu instead of having whole meal bread most of the time. :) Hb has a crazy working schedule since early Sept. He has been working 7 days a week, coming home after 12am every night. Whenever possible, I will try to arrange to meet up with hb for dinner. At least kids get to see him more.

We went for a family trip to Ipoh during the Hari Raya holidays. On Oct 1, I went for the Octoberfest for the very first time. And of course I won't miss the BBWS last week. Oh there are so much that I have not blogged about it! >.<

I guess that's all for now. Have a great weekend!

Are you a risk taker?

** This post is solely personal thoughts and not directing to anyone.


Just now during lunch time, when I was taking the lift I overheard 2 Chinese men talking loudly inside the lift. Not too sure what exactly the things they were talking about, but related to buying things. One man was saying he has no money. The other man was saying sometimes we have to take risk. Buy first, after that think of getting more money. For example the property value has increased lately; those people who bought the second property few years ago are making money now. The first man replying his friend saying it is not possible for him as he's a coward. He won't think of getting a house if he can't afford it.

When talking about spending money, I'm a coward too. Buying things out of my capability definitely is not my style at all. And I'm glad that is not my hb's style at all too. When come to buying things, both of us definitely will budget for it. And we don't spend if not necessary. For example, both of our old hand phones that we bought more than 4 years ago had been giving us problem for months. So we thought of it was time for us to get a new phone. We spent months on researching what phone we wanted to buy, comparing prices, features, phone plan etc. We wanted to get a phone that we can enjoy and yet within our budget. And I never regret getting a smart phone as I fully utilize it to track my monthly expenses, my monthly cycle, checking email, accessing social networking websites, create and track my To Do List, appointments and more frequently, I use it to read eBooks. Unlike most other people, I don't really play games using my phone. I also don't allow my kids to touch my phone to minimize any risk the kids may spoil it. As I intend to use the phone for a couple more years to come. However those do not know us well thought we are one of those people who follow the trend of high-tech gadget and always spend money on getting the latest gadget in the market.

We don't buy things on an impulse. We plan and we work hard on it. Both I and hb are not from wealthy family background. We practice thrifty lifestyle. We believe spend within our capability. Whatever that we are enjoying now is all from our hard work. We seldom go shopping. Since I have to take off my shoe in the office, so there is no reason I need multiple pairs of shoes to match with my clothes. Thus I only buy a pair of shoe a year. I rarely buy new clothes for myself, not to mention any accessories. I can go to work wearing jeans and t-shirt. So I save a lot from buying different sets of clothes for leisure and for office wear. Ever since I give birth to my first child, I have stopped visiting beauty saloon. I also only visit the hair saloon once or twice a year to get my hair cut. I also don't buy expensive toy and clothes for children.  We desire for a family trip but we have been holding back of it. The only thing that we are more willing to spend is spending on good food when there is any celebration with the parents. But those are budgeted as well.

Once I read from a Financial planning section in a parenting magazine, it is strongly recommended that we should have cash reserve that can support at least 6 months expenses on stand by, in case anything happen. While we are still working hard on building the case reserve, early of this year we had been hit real hard on it. I'm really glad that we manage to survive this long without asking money from family and friends, or getting personal loan from bank. Although at times both me and hb are feeling very stress and worry over the financial issue as our reserve are depleting month by month.

While we did not ask for any money, do not mean we have extra cash to lend or make any investment. Despite hb got a new job and steady monthly income, but we are depending on his single income now which barely enough to cover our monthly expenses. Though we did not ask money from anyone, but I also do not expect some of them who know about our situation, approach us asking us to lend money to them.

Both hubby and I are the type that prefers to rely on ourselves than borrow money from family or friends. If we want to start any business, we prefer to get our own capital from our savings, or get a loan from bank, instead of asking family and friends. I'm sure everyone save some money for the rainy days, to standby. How many of us really have the surplus to lend money to others? Like my case here, I really cannot imagine what if we have lend our cash reserve to others, how we going to survive in this half year. Sometimes I just wish people stop thinking that we are rich. 

When come to money, I'm definitely NOT a risk taker. How about you?

This is crazy!

When my office moved to the current location 3 years ago, I started frequent this Chinese Shop to do my groceries. Since then I hardly shop at hypermarket anymore. I could get butter spread, fresh milk, cheese slice, vitagen, yogurt, baby cereal, jam spread, even those muesli like Dorsett brand one from there. And the price was reasonable too.

However since the shop changed ownership mid of last year, I only buy the fresh milk, vitagen and occasionally yogurt from there. Other products no more available or they are not the usual brand that I used to buy. For example, they only have Mr Potato but no Pringles at all! There are many 3-in-1 drinks available but I could not find Milo powder. And I notice their stock turnover for non-perishable goods are low too. The biscuits that I bought from there were not that crispy and crunchy. Once the snack that I bought from it was already expired! And recently I'm making my own yogurt, so I have stopped buying yogurt totally after they have increased the price. Another reason that I don't like to shop there anymore is unlike the previous owner, the staffs are not friendly. 

The only reason that I still go there is they offer good price on the fresh milk, way cheaper than other place. I used to buy Farmhouse brand for the fresh milk for kids.  However since after changing ownership, the price of Farmhouse fresh milk had increased RM1 per liter to RM7.90, thus I have switched to buy Dutch Lady. They used to sell Dutch Lady Fresh Milk at RM5.50, while Speed99 sell at RM5.75, not too sure the price from hypermarket but I guess close to RM6.

Last week, as usual I went to this shop to replenish the fresh milk supply at home. I was shocked to see the new price is now RM6.20, 70cents more! Straightaway I walked out from the shop and went to the Speed99 near my home and tried my luck there. The new price offered in Speed99 for same fresh milk is RM5.99, from RM5.75. I think this is much more reasonable increment. However the supply of fresh milk in Speed99 is very limited and they don't have new stock coming in as often as compared to that Chinese shop. So it's really has to depend on luck.

I did not survey what's the new price in hypermarket but to me, 70cents increased is too much. My office is going to move soon too, guess no more reason for me to buy anything from that Chinese shop anymore. And I also foresee more fresh milk hunting for me from now on.

The Brotherhood Book Review and Give Away

Boone Drake always wants to put away the gang members. This is the reason he become one of the Chicago Police Office and working hard rising rapidly through the ranks of the Chicago Police Department, so that he can land in the Organized Crime Division.

Boone has a beautiful and supportive wife, and a young son. When his probationer period is over and his raise kicks in, he proceeds to get his family a house. Everything is going as per his plan, everything seems so perfect. Until one day, a tragedy destroyed his perfect world. His personal life destroyed and his career and future in jeopardy. Boone buries himself in guilt and bitterness as his life spirals out of control. Then he started to search how to communicate with God, he started to pray.

The Brotherhood is a realistic fiction story. It could happen to any family. It is also a story about healing and letting go. Boone did not give up his life, his career. He was struggling to let go what had happen to his family, and find ways to reconnect back with the God. He was sad but he did not let the sadness overtake him. The book reveals many Boone’s feelings and thoughts. It made me view the world through the eyes of Boone Drake.

Again, the book made me think a lot. I was crying when I read what happened to Boone. I cannot imagine if same thing happen to me. But I always believe things happen for reasons. It's our destiny. And if it happens, I will learn to accept it and move ahead. Life still needs to move on. The way how Boone reconnect back to God, to have the faith to God again actually intrigues me. And also how the God affects the most vicious gang leader Chicago through his mother telling me that God can change the hardest heart and forgive the worst of crimes. The Brotherhood is the first in a police trilogy. I'm looking forward for the second book.

The Brotherhood is written by Jerry Jenkins. Jerry B. Jenkins is the most prolific and highest-selling evangelical novelist of our time. He is the author of more than 175 books, including the 63,000,000-selling Left Behind series. Asked how he is able to write so much, Jenkins says, “I don’t sing or dance or preach. This is all I do.” Jenkins moved to the Chicago suburb of Elk Grove Village as a teen where his father served as police chief from 1963 to 1979. In addition, Jenkins has two brothers who were career law enforcement officers. His knowledge of a cop’s life and his familiarity with Chicago has enabled Jenkins to write his first police thriller with a voice of authenticity. He himself actually worked briefly as an undercover narc in the early 1970s. Jenkins and his wife Dianna now live in Colorado and have three grown sons and six grandchildren. Visit Jenkins blog and website at www.jerryjenkins.com.







Win yourself a copy of The Brotherhood

Good book is meant for sharing, right? I'm hosting a giveaway for a free copy of this book (courtesy from Tyndale House Publishers). To participate, leave a comment to this post that you want to join the giveaway. This giveaway is open to all readers (international included)!  It will run until midnight (12am GMT +8) on February 20th. Winner will be picked randomly from Random.org.

You may also purchase this book from any consumer site such as Amazon.com or ChristianBook.com. For more information please visit www.tyndale.com.

Note: I received the eBook free from Tyndale House Publishers. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

2010 and 2011

Year 2010 finally has over. It is not a very good year for me, but not the worst. I have been struggling a lot, learning a lot, self healing a lot, and holding a lot of guilt too. Forgive and let go, something sounds so easy and yet so hard to do. Instead, more grudge is building up.

I'm glad that, whenever I was feeling down, there are people around me who cheer me up and give me support, made me fee better, made me feel I'm not alone. I lost some friendships in year 2010, but I also made some new friends and their friendships are invaluable.

In year 2010 too, I pick up back reading, something that I love to do when I was very young, but did not do much since I become a parent. I find that reading helps me to de-stress and made me feel calmer. And because of it too, I come across books with spiritual content and get to know more about God, which as a results made me ponder a lot. I am a Buddhist actually. However ever since my grandmother passed away more than 10 years ago, plus hb is not a Buddhist, I seldom go to Buddhist temple anymore.

In year 2011, one of the things that I wish to achieve is forgiving and letting go on some issues that keep on happening. I have done it before but doing it again is actually becoming harder as there is greater resentment and disappointment now. Since the adjustments that I have made so far do not made me feel less unhappy, I hope by forgiving and letting go will make me feel better, and reduce the self healing time.

As for the kids, I achieved only part of the things that I want to do with them for year 2010. I hope to cover more in year 2011. I hope I will have more energy to spend more time with the kids, and be more patient with them.   

Year 2011 - another mission begin.

My Favorite Wife by Tony Parsens

I'm a book lover and I love reading. Many thanks to Smallkucing and Cleffairy who inspire me to go back reading after entering parenthood. :)

I bought this book from BookXcess when I went there to shop for some children books for the kids. Attracted by its title but then later I regretted buying it and reading it.

My Favorite Wife is the story of a lawyer, Bill Horden who brings his young family from London to Shanghai, China. He will be made partner in a couple of years so that he and his family can have better life.

However not everything in Shanghai are what they have expected. There are farmers have their land ripped away from them, babies being thrown into trashcans, and there are women selling their bodies to earn a living.

Their lifestyle also has changed a lot. Bill always leave the home early for work and come back after his wife Becca and his daughter Holly have gone to bed. He spent very little time with his family and most of his time at work, entertaining the clients after working hours.

After Holly's sudden asthma attack, Becca shock at finding a baby in the trash, and at the same time worrying on her sick father back home, Becca demands to go back to London. Leave Bill alone in Shanghai.

In Paradise Mansions, the place where Bill and his family are staying has a group of young women being kept as mistresses by rich married men – some local, some foreigners. After Becca and Holly went back to London, Bill gets lonely and strikes up much more than a friendship with the beautiful JinJin Li, one of the ladies from that group of young women. And you probably can guess what happen next.

The second half of the book mainly talks about Bill being alone in Shanghai and his interactions with JinJin Li. I dislike the fact that he knew he should not do it, he knew it is wrong and yet the next minute he has forgotten about it and go all out with her.

The story of the book made me in low mood for quite a while and made me have a good thought about myself and my own marriage. I feel dissatisfied about the ending of the book. Not that I don't like the ending but I feel it is a bit rush. The author jumps to the ending without talking much about the interactions between Bill and Becca on this issue. In fact this book mainly focuses on Bill. There is no much mention about Becca after knowing her husband has betrayed her. There is no much details about her feelings and how she can forgive her husband on this matter.

I won't say this book is not a good read. In fact it is a very interesting book because it’s a Westerner’s point of view of Asian life. But it's not a book to make you feel comfortable, not for me.   

I rate this book 3 out of 5 stars.

5th year anniversary

This post is to remind own self not to repeat the same mistakes again.


Today mark the 5th year wedding anniversary for me and hb. We have been dating for 4 years before we get married. Altogether is a 9 years relationship. During these 9 years, we have been gone through many many things - many tears, many talks, many fights, and of course many happy moments too. We had 2 major fights and almost split. First fight led to a 3-months cool down period. Where in these 3 months, we did not talk and we did not go out with each other. Second fight made me depressed for 9 months. It is the worst time in my life and it is a very expensive lesson learn. I definitely would not like to go through it again. It also has changed me to a different person:

1. Set no expectation

In the past, during weekend I would like hb to help out in the housework. However hb always not motivated to do housework, even though he just needs to clean the floor. One task only. While I had to handle other things, like washing, cooking and taking care the kids (they are very attached to me). So I would feel frustrated over hb's attitude. I would blame him for not helping.

But now not anymore. Because I have changed my thinking - this is my house too. Why would I care if hb helps to clean the house or not? If I want it clean, I can just do it myself. I don't have to depend or rely on other person. So I stopped blaming him. I stopped feeling not happy just because of he's not helping. If I'm not too tired, I will just do it myself. He probably is tired too and would like to rest. It's just us living here. So no rush to stress ourselves to keep the house freaking clean. And what do I get in return? Hb will automatically do the cleaning part without being asked for. This means he's more willing to do it without the "stress" from me. :)

2. Move from family focus to self focus and now try to balance it with the kids

I used to do lots of things for other people in the family - hb or the kids. I enjoyed doing things for them, and even willing to sacrifice my limited personal time just for them. I feel terrible when I feel all effort spent was not appreciated. But in fact, I never think of is this what they want. If it is not what they want, of course they won't appreciate it. So I'm making myself getting hurt. Feel stupid right? I learn my lesson and started to keep some personal time for myself everyday. That's how the sleeping late habit started. I realized that without fixing myself, I cannot keep others happy. Without fixing myself, I won't be able to have more energy for others. Without fixing myself, I cannot feel happy. So the me time is important. It also helps me to de-stress after a full day work in the office.

3. Have common interest and stay connect

Hb and I used to go exercise - jogging, gym or swimming when we were dating and also after married before we have any kids. We stopped the weekly exercise routine after Lynn was born. Lynn was very much attached to me and I felt bad had to trouble the parents to take care the baby. With no activities being done together, slowly we didn't feel stay connect with each other. Many times, I did not know what is in his mind. Of course we were still talking. However it is just not the same feeling anymore.

Now we will do some activities where both of us enjoy. Whether we are staying at home, or going out, with the kids or without the kids. We have common group of friends or people that we know. We have common topics to talk about.

4. Support each other

In the past, I gave my support to him using my way. Thinking it was what he need. But now, I learn to support him in the way that how he want it. We give each other full freedom on things that we want to do. He is fine with me going out with friends leaving the kids with him at home.

Right now, I would say we are in a very stable relationship and there should be nothing that can break us apart. Hb is not a very romantic person. So I won't hope for any flowers or candle light dinner. In fact in the past 4 years, there was no celebration on this day at all. But this is not important. Most important is, we still love each other and we want to keep this relationship moving on.

Happy Anniversary to me, and have a nice day to all of you. :)

Time time time

I always wanted to write more posts for my blog, if possible one post every day. When I read other mommy's blog, who is also a working mom like me, able to have new post everyday, I started to feel bad why I can't do so too. Am I really lazy? Am I really has so much less time compared to others? Last night, I started to figure where my 24 hours have gone to:

10 - 12 hours spent in the office
1.5 - 2 hours spent on the road (from home to office, to parent's house to pick up kids and go home)
2 hours spent on getting ready to work, packing and unpacking bags for the kids to go to school, bath, household chores etc
1 hour for dinner
About 6 hours spent on sleeping
1 - 2 hours on bonding time with the kids, relationship building with hb, and me time

Usually after having dinner and picking up the kids from my parents house, by the time we reach home it's about 10pm already. If they are not too sleepy, usually I will quickly unpack and pack their bags getting ready for the next day. If not I will just quickly get the kids to bed. Lynn is easy. Just need to give her a hug and some kisses and she will go sleep by herself. If it is not too late, usually I will read her some bedtime stories. As for Hao, he still needs me to accompany him to sleep. Moreover I'm still nursing him. By the time I can sit down for a rest, it will be probably one hour later. Sometimes I was so tired that I fall asleep together with the kids.

Weekend morning and afternoon time is for household chores and kids. When waiting for the washer to do its job, I will spend time doing some activities with the kids. For example craft, coloring, reading etc. I will bath the kids after lunch, to change them to something clean. After that I will try to get Hao to take his afternoon nap. Lynn will go sleep by herself when she is tired, I don't have to worry about her. Sometimes if I'm sleepy too I will take the nap together with Hao. After that will be my personal time with hb and for myself. Usually Lynn will be satisfied with me spending time with her in the morning. So she won't come disturb me. She will play by herself, with Hao, or turn on the DVD player to watch her favorite Barney show. But this is not the case for Hao. He will still come to me for some attention. It's not that he does not like to play with his sister, but it's just that he want to stick with the mommy. :( And Sunday, usually we will go back to my MIL house for dinner in the evening.

Even though I have more personal time during weekend, but I seldom write post. Simply because I just want to relax and want my brain to rest. Due to my job, I have to do research, study and design task a lot. So during weekend, I just want to do something light like reading and playing online game with hb. Since I rarely watch tv, that's my only entertainment to de-stress. There are so many things that I want to do. How I wish I can have more than 24 hours in a day.

I don't want to be rude

Those of you who are living on the same country with me, I'm sure you may also get some phone call, from XXX bank, telling you that "Oh you are very lucky, in conjunction with our promotion bla bla bla you have been chosen to enjoy this special programme only offered to our special customers bla bla bla", right?

To me, I don't really mind getting this kind of phone call. I do understand that they are just doing their job. However lately, I met a person that I really cannot hold back and got myself very rude to him. He was trying to sell the insurance plan to me. Normally they will call up during office hour, and ask if you can talk or not. He said it is about a special program offer to me. And then he started to talk about this special program Apparently is an insurance policy. I tried to be nice and polite, and I waited until he finished explaining everything. I also tried not to be biased, and asked a few questions about it, just to make sure I do understand what he's trying to offer. Alright, now time for him to ask if I am interested on taking the offer. Well, the policy did sound good. I was thinking maybe I should check with my SIL, who is an insurance agent, about this insurance policy that he offered me. In another way, yes I'm considering getting it. So I told him I want to think about it. And that's where the story begins.

He thought maybe I was not too clear about the benefits of the policy, and tried to explain to me again how good it is, how different it is from other policy (apparently all insurance agent will do the same thing too). I told him I have no doubt on how good the policy is, I just want to discuss with my husband about it as it involved additional expenses to the household. He quoted example of Jusco member day, where the offer only valid for one day and I cannot go back few days later to buy the things paying the offer price which is not valid anymore. I then reminded him that, at least I was informed on when is the Member day in advance (Jusco will send mail to all the Jusco members before the event take place) and I can always go with my family and we can decide on the spot whether to buy or not. He continued to say things that trying to convince me to buy on the spot, telling me (again) how good the policy that I need not let it go bla bla bla. What I dislike about him, as if he's right all the time and I was not doing it right, or my action of discussing with husband is unnecessary. While being a consumer and customer, I believe I have my rights of doing thing according to my way and make my own decision about it.

It had been more than 15 minutes on the phone with this guy and I was in the office, early morning. I started get annoyed on his long winded speech and I finally told him that, I am not interested to buy anymore. I just want to hang up and continue with my work. I know I sound very rude. I definitely prefer a better way to end the phone conversation.

One month later, I got another call from XXX bank again on some special offer again. This time I become smarter and I asked is it about insurance policy. He said it is about an special offer to me, for my birthday actually and it will just take me 5 minutes. I recognized is the same annoying guy that I have spoken earlier. Immediately I told him, if it is about insurance, I'm not interested at all. As I do not need a new insurance policy. Well, he did not give up. He insisted I should listen to him first. And then he continued to talk about the insurance policy. I waited until he finished, and repeated to him that I don't need a new policy and I'm not interested. He still keep on asking questions about what insurance that I have etc trying to convince me this is different from my other existing policies and I should get it. Well, I already mentioned that I am not interested, why can't he listen to me? Anyway, I still answered his questions, and insisted to him that, I'm not buying! And I want to hang up because he's disturbing me to work! I know I am rude. But again, I don't want to waste my time on him. And he finally got the message and hang up.

He's not the only tele-marketer who calls me up. I do receive lots of other calls on this special offer thing too. But most of them, when I said I'm not interested, they won't explain more, they will just say Thank you for your time and hang up. I think it is important that in the sales and marketing line, you listen to your customer. Not necessary that even if you are selling the best product in the world, we must buy from you. There are time when we buy a product, not because it is the best, but because the sales person has the right attitude and that make us feel happy to buy from them.

Another new year

It's the beginning of another new year. This year, I did not do any planning or any new year resolution. Why? Hmm just don't feel like doing one. Just want to let things be natural. Just feel like want to do whatever I feel like doing at that time. Noticed myself is becoming more and more emotional lately. I'm used to be less emotional. Alright, cheer up! Love this picture. He never fail to make me smile just by looking at his photo. :)


Hao is 18 months now. Can walk very well and steady. Likes to eat a lot. Never fail to ask for food, especially from Lynn and me, whenever we are eating. Cheeky too. Started to get interest in playing water. Whenever I'm washing the dishes, he will take a stool and place it next to the basin, and step on it to watch me do the washing. This morning, he climbed up the stool in the bathroom and watched me brush my teeth. :D He started getting very jealous with Lynn too (siblings rivalry - another big challenge here) and become more possessive to the toys that he is holding. If Lynn asks him to hand over the toy, he will refuse (even though he is holding two on his hands) and make noise to complain about it. Like to stick to me a lot. If I'm sitting in front of the PC, he would want to sit on my lap. If I refused he will cry. He does not speak too much words yet, mostly single word (except papa, mama, mom-mom, nen nen, hello) but we overheard he said "thank" (instead of thank you), jie (instead of jie jie) and try to imitate the words that we said. He know what he wants and if he does not want it he will shake his head. Know there are food in the fridge and will stand in front pointing it asking me to open the fridge for him for food. :D Well half year more terrible 2 will start to kick in so I try to enjoy as much fun with him as possible. :)

Will you hate your own children?

Sorry for my long absentees. I'm still around. Just that some things happened in real life and made me thinking a lot recently.

A friend of mine told me he is depressed. He lost count of how many times; his parents mentioned that they hate him. I'm shock to hear this from him. He's just 14 years old. An American. If not mistaken, his father works for the army. Not quite sure what his mom is doing. He has an elder brother, 1 year older than him. I'm not sure what made his parents say that to him. To me, he's a smart kid. I get to know him from online games. I know his elder brother too. Both are helpful, generous kind of people. I know another guy (from online game too), 27 years old, Australian, having depression too. Same reason - due to parents. He has depression since quite a number of years back, at early twenties. His parents did something that made him have to hide from the people around him. He moved to another town eventually. Due to depression, he can't work. He has no much friend in real life too. He wishes to have accompaniment. But he thinks girls won't want to go out with him. I'm not too sure how he can survive living without going to work. He's helpful. But he's moody and sensitive too.

Well, I really cannot imagine, what can the child have done to make the parents hate them? No matter how naughty are Lynn and Hao, the angry I am, but I'm just getting angry. I don't hate them. Alright, maybe sometimes I will feel like strangulate them to death. Lol. But it is relating to the actions that they have done, not the emotion side that I hate them. To me,
"Hate" is a very strong word. And we should not simply use it. I believe, if you don't want a child, then should not make them come to this world. Whether it is being intended or accident, once you have decided to bring them into this world, you have to responsible for their well being. We should raise them well, educate them, teach them, guide them, protect them, and not hurt them, hate them. That is not something a parent should do. Lots of time, because of them, I have to reconsider my decision and my actions.

Well, this is just my two cents. I'm not the parents of my two friends above. Obviously I don't know what has happened and why their parents are doing so, and I definitely not in the position to judge them. I just wish my two friends there, able to let go, move forward and be happy for the remaining of their life. They are stil very young, aren't they?

WBW Simultaneous breastfeeding

I was breastfeeding Lynn (she was 9 months old at that time) in a place near Chinatown in Singapore. Oh I miss this so much!

The World Breastfeeding Week is from 1 - 7 August 2009. The Penang mother to mother support group is holding a mass gathering of breastfeeding moms on 1st Aug. Click here for more info. During that event they will be holding a 1-minute Simultaneous Breastfeeding and the number of moms participating nationally will be given to the press in an effort to promote breastfeeding.

Some of us here may not be from Penang. However if you are able to breastfeed at 10.30am in unity with other moms before the event finishes, please send your name, contact number and email contact to Christine at mamalink@streamyx.com by Sat 25th July. Christine from Mamalink will be collecting the details and pass over to Connie (organiser in Penang) as she will be holding a press conference after that. Or if you are from Kajang area, Susuibu will be holding a similar event in Kajang on 9th Aug at Dewan Bandaran MPKJ from 8.30am to 1.30pm

For those of you who are breastfeeding, come let's put our hands together to promote breastfeeding!

Breast milk vs Formula milk

Come across a forum few days ago, a mom started a topic talking about she had to give formula to her newborn, as the baby was not growing well. The baby is losing quite a bit of weight in the first week and not gaining much weight since then. The mother was breastfeeding the baby. The paed recommended to add formula to help the baby gained weight. The mom thinks she made the right choice of giving the baby formula and she should not feel bad about not able to fully breastfeed the baby.
From the reply, majority of the moms agreed with her and think that we should not too worry about not able to breastfeed. While there were few mothers think that most mothers gave up breastfeeding easily and formula milk should be given only when there is a real need. Therefore, these two groups of mother were debating there.

I think we just have to go with what we think is the best at that time. I’m sure if given a choice, most mothers would like to breastfeed their own babies if possible. However when they could not do so, we should not look down at them. Breastfeeding is not an easy journey, without proper guidance, encouragement and support from people around us. What I dislike most, is the people around the mother interfere with her choice. They will say things like breast milk is not good, too watery and baby get hungry too soon; not every mother can produce breast milk bla bla bla.

These people have very negative mindset about breastfeeding and they do not know any knowledge on breastfeeding. They don’t know that the beauty of the breast milk is its composition will change according to the baby’s need. Breast milk composition also varies by diet as well. Some women may produce more calorie-dense milk more than others. For those mommies who produce fewer calories on breast milk will need to nurse their babies more frequently. This is where the old people will always comment why the baby get hungry so soon, must be not getting enough milk from the mother that kind of talk. Well yes, baby on breast milk tends to get hungry fast. Why? This is because breast milk is easier to digest compared to formula milk. And what makes the breast milk easier to digest? It's the protein. There are two classes of proteins in milk — the caseins and the wheys. Caseins turn into clots or curds in the stomach. The wheys remain liquid and are easier to digest. And there are about 60% of the proteins in breast milk are whey, while most baby formula milk are high in casein.

If the mother is willing to try breastfeeding her baby, or wanted to breastfeed her baby, the people around her, especially the family members should feel happy and give encouragement to show support. I have witnessed how the negative statements and mindset, has made the mother feel so stressful and believe herself she does not have enough milk to breast feed, her milk is not good enough as the baby keep on crying for milk etc. When I was breastfeeding Hao for the first 2 months, he could cry for milk for every one hour. It is absolutely normal for a newborn to cry for milk more frequently. When Hao was 2 months old, slowly the interval become about 2 hours. Until now, his milk interval is still every 2 hours. Therefore, because of the discouragement from the family members, the mother was so stressful that she could hardly produce breast milk and given up breastfeeding the baby, just after about 1 week the baby was born. They do not understand, breast milk will not produce by itself, unless you are really gifted with lots of breast milk. We need stimulation, the baby needs to suck to send signal to the brain for the body to produce the breast milk. The more stimulation we get, the more breast milk we could produce for the baby. Despite lots of effort being done to create awareness to everyone that breast milk is the best for the baby but there are still some people especially the older generation think that formula milk is better. I think it’s difficult to change their mindset. Nevertheless, I’m glad that both my parents and my in-law are very supportive on my choice wanted to breastfeed both my children. They do believe that breast milk is the best for the baby. Of course not to mention hubby too. Support from family members is important on the success of breastfeeding.

Grudge between husband and wife

Got this from a friend. It claimed is a true story. It's very touching. I can't hold back my tears when I read through each line.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us.

Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree.

You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery.

Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother."

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.

Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go. In the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was sometime towards the end of Spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand.. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor.

I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....
Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."

From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face....

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever... "Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........

Many people has bad experience and comments about MIL. To me, it could be MIL or any other person. Most important, trust and respect your spouse. The secret to avoiding arguments is loving and respectful communication. If both parties can communicate well, I suppose there is no reason for us to hold back the grudges and anger. And things can be discussed openly and solved. How about you? What have you learn from this story?

Guiding Thoughts

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important
than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than
failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It
is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or
break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have
a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.
We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will
act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing
we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I
react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our
Attitudes." Charles R. Swindoll



This is so true. And I like the last line - life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. We choose to be happy, angry, or sad. We are the one responsible for our actions and reactions. We should not blame. We are in charge of our Attitudes. :)

Magical moments in life - Part 1

1st Magical moment in my life - Pregnancy

Those mommy out there, who had gone through pregnancy process themselves, will understand what I'm saying.

Getting to know that you are pregnant with a new life inside your stomach, indeed was a very happy moment and exciting, with the exception for those who do not wish to have baby at that time, could be not prepared, not ready yet or not yet married.

When I was young, I always wondering how the pregnancy like. I could not imagine it as I had never experience it before. However since I like kids, I always looking forward to have my own child one day when I grow up and get married.

I was always hoping to have a baby before age 30. I got married at the age 29. Not too long after married, I got pregnant. As it was my first pregnancy, in addition I had been looking forward to it since I was young. So I was very very exciting. I

I read a lots of about pregnancy, child birth and babies. To me, it was amazing at how a new life can grow inside my stomach. Every pregnancy is unique and no one else can share the same experience as you do. Even though the baby belongs to both me and hubby, but he could not feel what I was feeling. He could not feel the movement of the baby moving inside your stomach, kicking you, having hiccups, somersaults, etc. It was these moments that I feel so close to the baby, as he was part of my body. Yes, not excluding all the discomfort in the body. However It was just temporary. The moments of joy had replaced all the discomforts. I could not stop talking to my baby, singing to him, playing with him, telling him to be good. The bond between us were so strong. And when I see my stomach was getting bigger and bigger day by day, getting heavier and heavier month by month, mean the day to meet the baby was getting closer and closer. Until today, I'm amazed at how the human body work in creating and supporting the new life in our body.

Change is in the air

Sorry for the long silence. Had been real busy after the new year started, especially in work. Early of the month there was change in the company. When I looked back, there was a major change every year, since year 2005: -

2005 - First VP rotation
It was the first time, the COO (Chief Operating Officer) introduced VP rotation. VPs from different division, are being swapped to take over another division, best suit their strength and expertise. However, the VP for my division had not been swapped. I guess at that time, no other VP were able to take over as the head of my division yet. (I was in the Business processes division. My company is doing software development, and my division was in charge of the business requirement, design and testing.)

2006 - Second VP rotation
This time, we had a new VP being swapped to take over my division and at the same time I was promoted to DVP. The new VP was a lady (previously we had a male VP). She was friendly, but her style was totally different from the previous VP style. I took quite some time and with some adjustment, to get used to her style and helped to oversee the whole division.

2007 - Third VP rotation
In the 3rd VP rotation, the lady VP had been rotated to other division. And I become the Acting VP for the division. Well, you can say it's a promotion to me, but only to the title and increased responsibility and workload. In term of money wise, no change. :(

2008 - New COO
The existing COO had been promoted to President earlier. So instead of playing multiple role in the company, they had promoted the project manager at that time to be the new COO. She was a capable person and being well accepted by everyone in the office. Again, new management, new style.

During the year, there was a restructure to all divisions. We separated into teams instead of division and we were no longer using title VP, just called team leader. My team is now called Application development. No more QA division also. Each team has to build in internal QA process to maintain the quality of the work. New blood added to the management team, as well as departure of old comrades. And instead of leading the whole team by myself, now I have a 'partner' as there were 2 team leaders in the team. We segregate our area - he will be more focus on the content details, while I'm more on the managing and coordinating side. He's friendly and easy going. But still it's a learning process for me to work together with him, to achieve the best results.

2009 - President taken over back the role of COO
Early of the month, CEO announced to the management team, that the President will take over back the operations. While the old COO will focus on the marketing side. Not a too big change for me, as I had been working with him since when i first join the management team in 2007. He is a very knowledgeable person. He reads a lot. Majority of us like to approach him when we cant solve the issue. I'm actually happy to work with him again.

As I'm working in an IT company. The company is fast moving and thus change is common here. We always have to adopt ourselves to changes very quickly and be responsive. So we have to always be prepared. Yes, this is challenging job. And stressful too. :)